Jealous Much?

I am sick, sick in the head. I need help. I can't believe i am jealous. There is this women that i know and she is anorexic. She is quite thin, i would say at least 7stone and she is very tall. The reason i am jealous is because she has the control that i want. I used to have that control and now i don't know where its gone. She is starting to get treatment and she has decided to do this on her own. At first i couldn't understand why she would want it out of her own choice. Because she would be losing that control and she would have to put on weight and that is the most terrifying thing. But now i understand, she just wants to be healthy and happy and see her kids grow up. And also she doesn't want her kids noticing that their mummy won't eat much or even eat at all. She is so strong to admit that she has a problem and ask for help. I really do admire her because that takes a lot of guts.
But i still can't help but think why would she want to give this all up? The thrill of losing weight, seeing how small you can get and most of all having that control.
I am not ready to give it up but in the back of my mind, i would like help one day, i am just not ready for it. In some ways i do think i have an eating disorder because my relationship with food is not healthy and i always have food, sizes, calories, weight, numbers, thinspo on my mind whether i am talking to a client at work or walking home listening to my iPod. It's annoying :(. But then sometimes i don't think i do because i am not thin and i don't really have the physical symptoms of an eating disorder. It's just so confusing.
Today has been awful food wise, i don't even want to talk about it.
But tomorrow is a new day and a new week, i think i am going to do the ABC tomorrow :).
Have a nice day.
Love Logan x x